"Knowing" people

A delusional person I know wanted to know if we ever "know" people. Here's the relevant portion of the Pompotous's response.

With consciousness as an emergent property there will always be levels of examination where we cannot "know" anyone because at those levels there are too many variables for prediction (and because the attribute of "person" has not yet emerged at those levels). Sufficiently extreme input can give atypical results.

On some level we can know people, though, and we can certainly make predictions based on patterns of behavior. We may not always understand why a person does what they do, but, at least with most people, there is a good chance of understanding what they are going to do. (Such prediction was my profession, in fact. As a hyper-competent genius there is no way that I'm going to understand what goes on in the head of an average office worker, but after years of experimentation I became quite good at predicting how an average office worker would interact with her environment in any given situation.)

So, yes, for certain values of "know" you can know people. For example: my wife was pleased just a couple of days ago because I knew what toppings to put on a kind of sub when she just told me the type she wanted (and she hadn't ordered that type before). That same day I knew what my little girl was going to say to me when she came into the kitchen and found me after finishing her afternoon treat.

On higher levels, I know that if my friends jumped off a bridge I probably would, too, because they'd have a damned good reason for doing so. I know that I'd almost certainly do anything my father-of-choice would ask me to do because he wouldn't ask me to do anything that would violate who I am as a person. I know, from decades of experience, how my friends will be there for me when I need them. I know that my wife can be trusted with my heart and happiness, I know that she won't ever be shuddering and gasping under another man whom she's told she loves with all her heart.

The first and last trick to knowing is to look at people's actions, not their words. A minority of people lie because that is their nature or they enjoy it. Many of them are good at deception, and it takes a while to see in their actions and in their effects on those around them what they are really like.

You also have to be able to look at reality. Far more numerous than the selfish and deliberate liars are the delusional liars, who lie to themselves as well as others. These are usually desperate people who convince themselves that their fantasy is reality. The religious are the most obvious of the delusional liars, but they don't have a monopoly on it. Many of them mean well, but they have an attenuated grasp of reality and, I'm afraid, not much of a basis for a moral code. Delusionals liars, since they buy into their own fantasies, are very sincere and often think that they mean well, even when the results of their actions clearly indicate selfishness.

A subset of delusional liars are the incompetent. Incompetent people are, by definition, unable to accurately gauge their own abilities. And the vast majority of people are incompetent. Marketing types like focus groups, but usability professionals realize that you cannot trust focus groups because what people SAY about themselves is, at least 90% of the time, wrong.

In all cases, longitudinal studies are required. Observe people over time in various situations. Do they not have close, long term friends of a diversity of "types"? If not, why not? Do people seem better for knowing them? If not, why not? Do people trust them? Why or why not? Are their assessments of reality accurate? Do they know themselves and their own strengths and weaknesses? Do they know the strengths and weaknesses of their loved ones, and move to nurture or protect as necessary?

And in all cases, look at what people do to know them, not what they say. The abusive boyfriend that hits "his" woman will protest his love while using his fists. The terrorist, of any stripe, political or personal, says, "Look what YOU made me do," while deciding to hurt the innocent. The "family values" nuts have the highest divorce rates and spew hatred and venom against people working on creating families, while some pro-life "people" say that all life is sacred while killing doctors and nurses.

Look at what people do, how they influence the world. You can know good people because they are, in general, in touch with reality and have, in general, a positive effect on those around them that continues over time.